It has been 7 entire months since Bobby joined the world.
Time is seriously wacky after having kids. I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said, but how does it possibly go this fast? It feels like slow motion while it's happening, and then overnight these tiny newborn babies become little kids.
You know how you hear on the radio or read an article online about what age people agree is best age of their life? It's usually an age that is sort of surprising and specific like 36 or 53, but I can't imagine a time in life where I will I feel more myself than riiiiight now. Every single day is something I look forward to. I look forward to seeing Bobby grow and big belly laugh and kick his chubby feet. I look forward to watching Ruthie learn and hearing what quirky thing she has to say and seeing what she will find outside (she recently learned about shrimp and calls them SHRAMPS and looks for them everywhere).
But it is really difficult too. Being at home with these guys is 100 million things at once. It's hilarious and fun, so so so messy, lighthearted and singsongy, complicated and uncomfortable, repetitive, really testing, strange and foreign and incredibly familiar. I go from feeling like a super clever genius to omg will I ever do anything right again. I feel really lost some days and right at home others. I worry too much about what's "normal" which leads to interesting google searches (like, "2 year old kissed white moth...poison??" Side note, that's really the format I use to type things into google).
Morning time is the time when I feel the differences from my working life the most. I no longer alarm and shower and blow dry and straighten and tuck in and match and makeup and drive. It sometimes seems impossible to me that I used to leave the house before 7 everyday and I'm sort of impressed with my past self (and every other working mom out there).
Some days I feel the pressure to contribute and have a mild panic attack about money, but then I think calming thoughts like "well, I'll just sell my car". Despite those anxieties, I'm not ready to leave. I miss feeling the stability I felt before, but it feels so so so worth it. It's selfish to say that, because the college accounts have been put on hold and a whole lot of pressure has been put on Austin, at the same time I can't help hearing that cliche in my head "you won't get this time back". I can spend the rest of my life working to make up for the years off (right?! Looking for reassurance here). I couldn't even handle thinking about the financial instability of not returning to work after my first maternity leave with Ruthie, even though I so desperately wanted to be home with her. Something felt different after having Bobby, 401k and expense reports are totally important, but they no longer feel like benefits that I cannot live without.
I know staying at home with babes is not at all the goal for many parents. I had not even an inkling that it was my goal until I was right in the middle of it all. There are few things I feel confident enough to give advice on, but I have absolutely no regrets in this decision. If you are going through something similar and struggling with the decision, I hope my experience might help.
And if I do have to act on my calming thought of selling my car for $$, don't worry, I'll write a post on it.